Attack of the Paranoid Guys
by Fairy Godmoose
Summary: Sequel to 'Where's the Keyblade' The insanity continues as Sora and Co. stumble across a plan to wipe out all of Traverse Town's inhabitants and replace them with...clones of Paranoid Guy?


**FG**: Welcome to 'Attack of the Paranoid Guys'!

**Sora**: Mmmyep.

**FG**: Like the summary says, this is the sequel to 'Where's the Keyblade?'

**Riku**: Mmmyep.

**FG**: Yeah. Disclaimer time! (throws confetti)

…Square Enix owns Sora, Kairi, Tidus, Wakka, Vincent Valentine, Rinoa Heartily, Leon, Yuffie, Aerith, Cloud, Paranoid Guy, Cid, and Bob and Tim. I just named them.

…Disney owns Donald and Goofy.

…Jhonen Vasquez owns the Spooky Chihuahua.

…Sound-O-Vision owns 'The Fifth Avocado'.

…Naughty Dog owns Jak, Ashelin, and Keira.

…Red Bull Beer owns…well, Red Bull.

…Colin owns himself.

…and I own Ms. Snortykins and She-Pig.

**Ms. Snortykins**: Snort!

**Sora**: Ms. Snortykins, you've returned to me!

**She-Pig**: Snort!

**Ms. Snortykins and She-Pig**: SNORT! (fight over Sora)

**Kairi**: Not again… (beats up the pigs)

**FG**: Um…and now for the feature presentation…? Oo

… … … … … … … … …

"Yay, we won!" Sora hugged his ex-girlfriend Ms. Snortykins, her evil twin She-Pig, and their boyfriends Tidus and Wakka. They were all standing outside the Olympus Coliseum. "We actually beat Sephiroth!"

Wakka threw a blitzball at Sora's head. "We? Me, Tidus, and our girls did all da work, brudda! You just dressed up like a wacko, yah?"

Tidus nodded. "Come on, She-Pig. We don't need to listen to these lies."

"Let's go, Ms. Snortykins!"

"Snort!" the pig twins agreed. A pack of Red Bull appeared out of nowhere. The four of them drank a can, then flew away.

Goofy sniffled. "Gawrsh, I wanted to fly away…"

"Shut up, ya big palooka," Donald ordered. "We're going to be late for Leon and Yuffie's wedding.

**FLASHBACK**

_Somewhere in the 1st District, Yuffie and Leon were sitting on some crates. "Squall, will you marry me?" Yuffie asked, looking at him with puppy-dog eyes._

_"When pigs fly," Leon spat._

_Suddenly, Ms. Snortykins and her evil twin flew past the two, followed by a flying Kairi. "Whoo-hoo!" Yuffie cheered, clamping onto her new fiancee._

_Leon growled. "Stupid mascara-covered pigs…"_

**END FLASHBACK**

Sora ripped off his clothes, revealing a tuxedo underneath. "What are we waiting for?"

… … …

"Do you, Yuffie Kisaragi, take Squall to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Yuffie nodded happily. Her wedding dress was just her normal outfit, but white. She was also wearing a veil. "I do!" she squealed.

"And do you, Squall Leonhart, take Yuffie to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Leon was too nervous to correct the minister. He glanced out into the audience. Sitting in-between Vincent Valentine and a very angry Rinoa Heartily were Ms. Snortykins and She-Pig, grinning evilly at him. The words, 'When pigs fly' echoed in his head. "I d-d-do," he finally stuttered.

"I now pronounce you man and wife," the minister announced. "You may kiss the bride."

Yuffie grabbed Leon's tuxedo collar and made out with him. In the audience, Aerith was sniffling, and clinging to Cloud's arm. Cloud looking like he was about to bash her with his bandaged sword. Cid turned green and reached for a paper bag. "Aw…innit cute?" Kairi cooed. She, like Aerith, tried to reach for Sora arm.

"COOTIES!" he shrieked. He gulped down a Red Bull can and flew off, yelling, "Soap! Soap! My kingdom for some soap!"

Kairi also gulped down a can, picked up a stray cat, and flew after Sora. "BAKA!" She started whacking him with the cat, who promptly exploded into fireworks.

"Meow?" the poor kitty asked, confused.

A small Moogle with a pipe, a monocle, and a mustache walked past the scene. "That's right, Kitty. Be confused. We all are. Come along, Watson!"

A goldfish with its normal head replaced with that of a Barbie's followed the Moogle on a scooter. "Right-O, governor."

"Mooooo…" A cow rolled past them, dressed like Elvis. "Mooooo…"

Suddenly, everything froze. Leon growled at the authoress. "What's going on here? First, you make me get married to that ninja, now you make cows roll around at my wedding?"

FG shrugged. "It's supposed to be random." She put on a sombrero and did the Moonwalk out of view.

Poor Leon just stared blankly. Time unfroze, and Cloud patted Leon's shoulder. "So, when's the honeymoon?" he asked playfully.

Leon fell flat on his face. "Mooooo…" He rolled away.

… … …

Paranoid Guy was standing in the Accessory Shop, shivering as usual. The door burst open, and two hooded figures walked in. Paranoid Guy looked at them for a long time. "What's the password?"

The mysterious people glanced at each other briefly, then replied, "We hide our lemons in Indiana." They each extended an arm, holding lemons with 'Indiana' printed on them in red ink.

"Yay, lemons!" Paranoid Guy took the lemons and stuffed them in a bra. "Finally!" He put the bra on his head. "Ha! Who's laughing now? I AM!" He opened a window, then stuck his bra-clad head out and pointed at a little dog with a chunk of his ear bitten off. "HA!"

The dog waddled off, trying to ignoring him. But Paranoid Guy's words hurt. Oh, how they hurt that little dog. Paranoid Guy would pay. He would pay like a moose in debt. Why a moose? Only an emotionally pained little dog would know. Or maybe the authoress. Mostly the pained dog.

The other two stared. "Um…okay…" the first one mumbled. He took off his hood. He looked exactly like Paranoid Guy. "Man, you have no idea how tiring it is to stand in front of a door all the time. Those stupid Heartless always try to sneak in from the 3rd District."

"Watch yo mouth!" The second one took off his hood. He was a Soldier Heartless. "What if I called you stupid? Huh? Huh? How'd you feel about that? Huh? Huh? HUH?"

The copy of Paranoid Guy, who shall be called Bob, shrugged. "Then…I'd do this!" He spun around like a ballerina, then frolicked around the Accessory Shop. He crawled inside the lit fireplace, then made squirrel noises.

The Heartless, who shall be called Tim, stared. "In that case…you're stupid, Bob."

Bob, who had gotten out of the fireplace, whimpered, danced like a ballerina, crawled back into the fireplace, then made squirrel noises again. "There! You happy, Tim?"

"Yes," Tim answered proudly. He looked around. "Hey, Paranoid Guy, where's Chimp-Chimp?

Paranoid Guy crawled around on the floor, then found a latch. He yanked it, opening a trapdoor. "Chimp-Chimp is training the new members of our army…"

Bob crawled back out of the fireplace. "Neat." He, Paranoid Guy, and Tim hopped through the trapdoor.

… … …

"Drive faster, Jak!" Sora screamed at a PS2. "Who cares if Ashelin's your girlfriend? RUN HER OVER!" Keira was better anyway…"

Donald and Goofy walked into the 2nd District Hotel's Green Room. "Whatcha playing, Sora?"

Sora was crouched in front of a big-screen TV, clutching a PS2 controller. "Jak X: Combat Racing is hard…MOVE IT, JAK!" he roared.

"What?" Donald raised a feathered eyebrow. "That game isn't even in stores!"

"I got the demo at Wizard World Chicago." Sora put the game on pause and stuck his tongue out. "So there!"

Donald tapped his foot on the ground. "And how did you go to Wizard World Chicago?"

Sora just blinked. The PS2 turned into a giant duck and waddled off. The three of them just stared at it like Azumanga Daioh characters, blank, oval eyes and square mouths. "Gawrsh, that was weird," Goofy commented.

"What else is new?" Sora asked with a sigh.

Leon burst through the door. "Hey, that guy in the Accessory Shop is gone!"

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon?" Donald continued tapping his foot.

He rolled his eyes. "I gave Yuffie a pillow with a wig. It'll take her a while to find out I'm gone. Now go find that Paranoid Guy!"

"Why should we?" Sora demanded.

Leon started whimpering. "That's where I buy my hair gel! And you know I need hair gel!" A fat, red arrow appeared to point out the Gunblade wielder's impressive spikes.

Sora shrugged. "Borrow some from Tidus or Wakka."

"Can't I use yours?"

"No way, I'm almost out!"

"Then help me find the Paranoid Guy! He's the only one with the key to the Accessory Shop!"

Sora sighed. "Okay, but it'll take four avocados."

"Fine, I'll…wait, avocados?"

The narrator from 'The Fifth Avocado' came out and announced, "The avocados were for the guacamole that he ate."

Leon rolled his eyes again. "Fine." He chucked four avocados at Sora's head. "Happy?"

"I don't know…" Sora took out those tiny microscopes people use to look at those little diamonds. He examined the avocados carefully, then sniffed them. The avocados were sucked into his nose.

"WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?" Leon yelled, knocking over the dumb-struck Donald and Goofy with the blast of his voice.

Sora's mouth started twitching. A bell rang from inside his head, and he stuck out his tongue, which had become four feet long. On his tongue sat a bowl of guacamole. "There!"

Kairi walked out of the balcony door. "Good night, Sora," she said stiffly.

Leon ran in front of her. "Kairi! Quick, give me your cat!" Kairi handed him her starved cat with an odd look on her face. Leon grinned and whacked the dookie out of Sora with the cat. "BAKA!"

"My guacamole!"

… … …

"Hey, Paranoid Guy!" Sora yelled, banging on the Accessory Shop door. "Let us in!"

Nobody answered. Goofy knocked lightly. "Mr. Guy, it's us, Sora, Donald, and Goofy!"

Still nobody answered. "LET US IN!" Donald quacked angrily.

"Guys, what's that?" Sora pointed to a cross-eyed little dog. It stared eerily at them, then trotted into a wall.

Donald stared back. "I think it's trying to tell us something…"

Sora nodded. "Okay! Little dog, do you want to play charades?" The dog knocked its head on Sora, Donald, and Goofy's knees. "Us?" Sora guessed. "We?" The dog nodded. It jumped behind a corner. "Corner? Wall?"

"Hide?" Donald mumbled. The dog nodded its giant head again. It crawled into Sora's pocket and took out three lemons. "Lemon. Lemons. We hide lemons…"

The little dog trotted away, then came back wearing a cowboy outfit. "Cowboy!" Goofy called. "Little dog dressed up as a cowboy!"

"Halloween!" Donald yelled.

"MILKSHAKE!" Sora shrieked. The other two glanced at him. "I like milkshakes…"

FG walked over. "Wild West?" she guessed.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy blinked. "You don't know?" Sora asked.

"Nope."

"But YOU wrote this story!"

"Um…" FG turned red. "I forgot the answer," she answered meekly. The other three sweatdropped. FG looked at the dog. "Hey, you're the Spooky Chihuahua from Invader Zim!"

Donald groaned. "You forgot you put him in here?"

"Um…" FG became even redder. "Yes." Sora, Donald, and Goofy fell over. The Spooky Chihuahua got up on his hind legs and did a little dance. "Ooh!" FG squealed. "That's the Kodomo no Omocha theme song dance! What're the words to that part again?"

Sora got up. "Try to remember!"

"Um…amerikan kibun de tekkasasu!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Um…"

"Stop saying 'um'!"

FG glared at Sora. "Fine. It means…for an American feeling…Texas!"

Spooky nodded. "We hide our lemons in Texas!" Goofy cheered.

"That's the password," someone inside said. The Accessory Shop door swung open.

Sora grinned. "All right! And I thought that the authoress was useless!"

FG glared again. "Hmph! I can see when I'm not wanted. If you need me, I'll be drawing Colin in bikinis!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE BIKINIS!" a far-away voice screeched.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy shrugged and walked into the shop. "Thanks, Spooky," Sora said to the dog. The dog simply banged its head on the wall.

Once the three got inside, they were greeted by Tim. "Welcome, fellow clones! Our leader is busy right now, but…" He stared at the boy, the duck, and the dog. "You're…y-you're…BOSS! HEY, BOSS!" Tim screamed, jumping through the trap door.

Sora twitched. "He's loud."

"Follow him!" Donald ordered, running towards it.

"No." Sora held him back. "I have a plan."

… … …

"We are gathered here today to enact our plan," Paranoid Guy announced to a mob of people who looked just like him, including Bob. "I have to speak quickly, because Tim, our bravest clone, has alerted me that there are intruders. As you all know, we are going to wipe out everyone in Traverse Town, and refill this place with CLONES!"

The mob cheered. "Then we can eat all the cake we want!" One clone yelled happily.

The cheering stopped immediately. "What cake?" Bob asked.

A huge, pink-and-white cake sat in the corner. "HYAH!" A shuriken flew out and hit the cake-loving clone in the head.

"What was that?" Paranoid Guy jumped off the podium and past the crowd to get a closer look. Tim and Bob followed him.

Sora, Donald, Goofy, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, Aerith, Cloud, Ms. Snortykins, She-Pig, Yuffie, Leon, and Kairi leapt out of the cake. "We're going to stop you, Paranoid Guy!" Yuffie told him proudly.

Sora stared at the two main clones, pointing at Bob. "You're the Paranoid Guy who's always in front of the 1st District-to-3rd District door!" Next, he pointed at Tim. "And you must be the Paranoid Guy whose heart was stolen by the Heartless!"

"And I'm the real Paranoid Guy." Paranoid Guy walked up to Sora. "But my name's not Paranoid Guy. It's…" He ripped off his clothes. A sequin-covered pink tutu was underneath. "…Joe the Fairy Princess!"

Everyone in the room, including the clones, stared blankly. "Um…okay…" Cloud took out his giant sword. "You're going down…Joe…" He swung at everything in his path, slicing off Aerith's bow and some of Tidus and Sora's spikes.

"Guys?" Joe asked.

Tim and Bob nodded stood in front of Joe, arms crossed. "You're not gonna hurt our boss," Tim announced. The top of Tim's antenna fell off. "You're on your own, guys." Tim gulped down a can of Red Bull and flew off.

"Let's get 'em, guys!" Sora cheered. "They can't beat us!"

… … …

"I can't believe they beat us."

Sora glared at Goofy. "They haven't beaten us yet."

"They stole my cat!" Kairi lamented. "My only weapon!"

"They snapped my Gunblade." Leon prodded his chipped sword.

Joe and his clones towered over them. "As soon as we're done with you, we'll wipe out the rest of Traverse Town! Or should I say…CLONE CITY!"

"Dude, that is so lame." Everyone turned to look at a fluffy-haired little girl with glasses in the corner. "I swear, it's like someone squeezed the creativity outta you."

Sora patted the girl's head. "Calm down, FG."

"THAT'S MISS FG TO YOU!" the authoress snapped, blowing up to ten times her size, stress mark and all, and prompting Sora to sweat and turn Chibi.

Donald pointed deflatedly at FG. "That's the little kid who forgot what she put in her own fanfiction?"

"MISS FG!" she corrected loudly, jabbing a finger in-between Donald's eyes. FG quickly shortened and returned to normal. "I'm writing this fanfic, so what I say goes, and there's not going to be a Clone City."

"Yay!" Kairi cheered. "Miss FG's going to stop Joe!"

FG raised an eyebrow. "Who said I was stopping him? I just said there wasn't going to be a Clone City!"

"But-"

"Clone City is a lame name."

Leon growled. "Whatever! Just help us!"

"Fine…" FG mumbled something under her breath and pulled out a laptop. She typed rapidly, then closed it and stuffed it back in a bag. "Help's on the way. I'd help you directly, but Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy is on." FG picked up Tim's can of Red Bull. "I'm not supposed to drink beer…" She opened her laptop again and typed some more. The Red Bull can turned into a can of Barq's Root Beer. FG drank it and flew off.

"So, who's supposed to help us?" Aerith asked. The others shrugged.

Joe snorted. "Nobody's going to help you!"

"Um…Mr. Joe?" Bob pointed out a battered dog standing nearby.

"You!" Joe kicked Spooky. "Get out of here! I already proved I was tougher with my bra filled with lemons!" Spooky simply opened his mouth, revealing several avocados. "AVOCADOS!" Joe shrieked. "The only things that can beat lemons!"

The others cheered. "Go, Spooky!" Yuffie yelled.

Joe pulled out a tube filled with liquid. "There's only one thing to do…MORPH INTO MY ULTIMATE FORM!" He drank it, then started glowing.

"Ultimate form?" Sora backed up. "What's his ultimate form?"

There was a bright flash of orange light, and heaving breathing. The light dimmed, and in Joe's place stood…a goldfish?

"Okay, I'm SO confused…" Sora mumbled.

Spooky spit out the avocados and mashed them up with his hideously cute puppy head. He then ate it up. His right paw got bigger and bigger. "What's Spooky doing now?" Aerith asked.

"What IS he doing?" Joe the Fish agreed. Spooky punched Joe with his giant paw. "Hey!"

Donald tapped Sora and Goofy's shoulders. "Was this Miss FG's plan?"

Of course it was! If you were a fishy, would you like getting punched? I know I wouldn't. I'd rather have fishy lasers. But the day of the week, it was Wednesday…that was the day of the week.

"Shut up already!" Leon told the Fifth Avocado narrator, who edged off quickly.

Anyway, Joe was soon beaten into a fishy pulp by Spooky. "Huzzah!" everyone cheered. The day was saved, thanks to…the Powerpuff Girls!

"No, it wasn't!" Sora yelled. He slapped the captioning.

Okay, okay…thanks to the Spooky Chihuahua. Man, did you have to hit that hard?

"Mmmyep," the Keyblade Master replied. "Thanks, Spooky!" He hugged Spooky.

Donald, Goofy, and Kairi also hugged Spooky. "Our hero!" Kairi cooed.

"Snort!" Ms. Snortykins and She-Pig agreed.

FG appeared out of nowhere. "Hey, I'm the one who sent Spooky!"

"Oh, yeah. Our hero!" Kairi hugged FG.

"I DON'T WANT YOU HUGGING ME, YOU MARY-SUE!" FG screeched. Sora stared to come towards her, but she flicked his head. "I don't want you hugging me either. I just want…something that doesn't involve hugging."

Sora scratched his head. "Hmm…"

… … …

"Thanks for letting me play Jak X, Sora!" FG squealed.

Sora shrugged. "You partially saved Traverse Town."

FG nodded happily. "So, how'd you get the Jak X demo?"

"Wizard World Chicago," Sora replied stiffly.

"Huh?" FG pressed pause and set her controller down. "How'd you go to Wizard World Chicago?"

"Um…" The PS2 turned into a duck and waddled away. Sora and the authoress sighed. After an awkward silence, Sora turned to FG. "Avocado?" he offered.

… … … … … … … … …

**FG**: I don't even like avocados.

**Sora**: (sniffle)

**FG**: Fine… (eats avocado with look of disgust) Ugh!

**Bernie**: I'll eat it. (takes avocado)

**FG**: …what are you doing here, Bernie?

**Bernie**: I got lost on the way to CC2.

**FG**: Go to my user setup and take a right.

**Bernie**: Oh. Okay. (skips off)

**Sora, Kairi, Riku, Donald, and Goofy**: Oo

**Kairi**: Hey, Riku, where were you during this?

**Riku**: Eating avocados, duh.

**Everyone else**: Oo

**FG**: Okay…FG out, yo.


End file.
